I’ve struggled with this word for many years, the truth is, I’ve only felt it twice in my life. To be fair, I am crazy, my friends call me a nutta and I do irresponsible things sometimes but I am only 24. There’s a good crazy and a bad crazy.
I was shocked one time I shared a taxi back with some teenagers, after a night out in my local town. They’re about 6 of them and just me so I sat in the back. I got talking to the boy next to me. I recognised him as when I did my year 10 work experience, his sister was in the class I volunteered with. The conversation went something like this:
Boy: “are you Vanessa?”.
Me: “yeah haha, I was working in your sisters class in year 3?”
Boy: “Oh yes and you waved to us and said hello when we were in the Opticians that time.”
Me: “yeah, that’s me.” *eye roll*
Boy: “Yeah, my mum told us to stay away from you after that, she said you were crazy.”
Me: “oh wow, TAXI MAN, can you drop me off here, I’ve just 5 mins up the road, thanks, bye everyone”.
What a damaging message to send to your kids, I understand the fear of stranger danger and being too friendly is very real, but if you knew me then you’d know. If I spent 3 weeks with your child and was approved to work there by the school, wouldn’t you think “no, I’m sure she’s mentally stable.”
I used to worry so much about peoples misconceptions of me and let it severely damage my mental health. I’ve been hurt so much in the past and did the hurting sometimes so I know what it’s like. I also used to try to help others by doing what I thought was best and what I would have personally wanted if the shoe was on the other foot. It never worked out well and it just ends up creating more mess. Privacy is important and choosing who you confide in is important. I guess I’m looking for that person who is 100% honest, who choses to confide in me and only me when it comes to our relationship. I want someone who isn’t afraid, that’s a lot to ask when I’m also those things. I’m looking for that ‘all round good love’.
I think you get to a point in life where you start to realise things for yourself. Personally the way I’ve done it is by talking to people, be it on my travels or just random strangers on the internet who have commented on the same post as I.
Donal trump is right about one thing, fake news is real, accept he’s wrong about it all-obviously. Climate change is obviously real and happening and has been for many years. World leaders that were seen as great still made bad decisions which killed thousands of innocent civilians. WWI and WWII were not that long ago in the grand scheme of things, I hope we don’t have to relive those days and the next generations, as I honestly couldn’t imagine it, the books and stories from loved one are horrific. I’ve been to Aushcwitz and even though I only saw half of it and didn’t experience it, I wouldn’t want to go back. But it’s still happening and the world leaders are helping this happen. Again its tricky, how do you be a good leader and maintain a stable economy at the same time. I would not want that job. What happened in Cambodia with the Khmer Rouge, I learnt that from going to the killing fields outside the capital of Phnom Penh, I probably learnt it in GCSE history but the truth is I forgot. Pol Pot was responsible for 1.5 and 3 million deaths during 1975- 1979, nearly 25% of Cambodia‘s population, including babies. Ethnic cleansing. If you want too google it yourself and you’ll see how horrific it was.
Scientists have the facts and the people so far deep in the politics side can’t see that. Then they’re the people in third world countries who have no idea what’s going on, through lack of technology and mainly lack of fundamental health care, which is a human right; they’ve experienced it first hand. So who is more qualified to teach children and our future children? The ones who love teaching, simple as.
If you travel, and I strongly suggest that you do, not just because it’s fun or an escape from reality; whatever reason you choose to set off on an adventure, try and make it because you’re curious and don’t live in fear of being in danger. The truth is I felt in danger at times I’ve been in foreign countries but I’ve never been alone. Even the nights I carried on the nights out alone or with people I just met, I always asked someone to walk me back to my Hostel if I was in that situation. The truth is I’ve had more fear walking out of my own door some days. That just puts things in perspective for me.
I truly believe there are two types of people in the world and they fit into two categories, you may fit in both but you’re generally one more than the other and that’s fine either way. I take more on some days and give more on others.
My theory:
Takers:
Takers take simple as. Be it people at the top or people at the bottom having to live on benefits. They’re the silly few that do sponge of the system and it’s not fair but what about all the stories of the real users of the benefits and how do you know what support someone needs at the time if you aren’t in their own head? It’s a tricky one and a fine line to causing offence. In my eyes people who worship different things will obviously wish for those things for themselves.
Givers:
Givers give, simple as that. Givers are happy to go out of there way to help others, even strangers. Think of how many charities there are nowadays and how amazing that is. I remember at school it was seen as embarrassing to shop in a charity jobs because they were cheap and who would want to wear someone’s worn clothes anyway. I get the latter but because its cheap? I shop in them now and I love them because they are cheap and the money your paying isn’t for profit, it’s going towards something that matters. Why should that not be celebrated? Givers can’t give all the time obviously because that’s exhausting. We need to look after ourselves first, you’re the only one who will be around all the time.
Below is a picture from one of my journals, which is very personal to me but feel it may help explain the above, so look at mine and try not to judge it, look at it as how you want too….. The journal is called ‘Start Where You Are’ by Meera Lee Patel.
I’ll let it speak for itself, but I will say that I first completed this like last March sometime, I went over it last night and the fresher pen marks are the ones I’ve circled again or didn’t circle last time. Money I underlined last time, but I realised this was wrong, I’ve never worshipped money and I’m proud of that but I do need to know the value of it, instead of wasting it on unnecessary things.
@thehappynewspaper and @emilycoxhead on Instagram if you don’t already and would rather some cheery news instead of regular everyday news. She makes great cards sold in Paper Chase also.
Awful person. I do don’t know who he is so don’t respond to him. He’s contacted me twice by email in the last 6 years on linked in. I wrote the below the first time I went to meet him.
So it’s been a while……
I haven’t written a blog post in 7 or 8 months and the reason for this is life. I haven’t felt inspired to write and I haven’t felt like it so I haven’t. I have still been writing but only privately.
I have however started an Instagram page that some people may have seen or even followed. If you wish to follow it, the username is @mindful_ness4. I have chosen to do this a) because my sister inspired me with hers and b) I’ve always preferred pictures to writing and I find it easier to express things I can’t always translate in two actual words. Words hurt my head sometimes.
So I guess the point of this post is just to say hey, whatever is happening right now in your life; wether you’re sad, angry, happy, overjoyed, frustrated, lost, numb, just know you’re not truly alone and to say you’re doing great. Even if you only had a shower today, or sat on the couch and if you did more than that then well done too.
I worked at the institute of engineering and technology for one shift and this man in a suit approached me and gave me a card for modelling deal. I was like omg great. I don’t look like a boy. My boyfriend and I at the time had broken up and I juts found out he brought me One Direction tickets so I really needed some attention at the time. I’d also watched Taken not long before in Manch and I was like somethings not right but I’ll go meet him in public. I went to Kentish Town, was meeting at the tube, I was quite angry and scared so I had 999 ready there, on my phone. He wasn’t there on time and I couldn’t get the tube because they’d been a fire or something. I got on a bus to central immediately. Music in, zone out. I’m at this station, I know the rough times, fucking great!!! Cya bastard! And if I don’t AMAZING.
And Simon (if your reading), hi. Fuck off, I’m not interested in your messed up circle and if you try and contact me again, well….
I have random playlists on my itunes, half are named and half are untitled. I have several sleep playlists, a) downloaded sleep b) silence c) sleep sound.
When I was travelling I listened to ‘downloaded sleep’ on night buses and trains to block the background noise out. But ‘Grew Up At Midnight’ by The Maccabees would always wake me up and and ‘I was an Eagle’ by Laura Marling and probs some more. So I then created others that I could listen to in Wifi and which didn’t wake up me up because of the heavy instrumentals.
So this is my Silence playlist, it makes me feel calm, it makes me feel happy and sad but I like that sometimes. Most of all it’s comfort and it’s familiar. Music really can transport you back to a memory, place and time. I could definitely not live without it.
You might notice some are on there twice and I definitely need to update this but majority of the time I want to listen to this I’m tired, so naturally I forget.
Tricky one isn’t it. Half the drugs are illegal but half of them are prescribed by train professionals. So how can you tell which ones help and which don’t? Easy answer is you can’t unless you take them. Shock Horror.
I’ve been on many prescribed drugs from doctors, trained professionals. Only three of those were to help with my mental struggles, the rest have been to help me with my physical struggles because believe it or not you can’t have one without the other. I haven’t taken any illegal drugs because I’m good and wouldn’t do anything illegal ever. Except trespass on farmers land, we’ve all done that.
It’s hard to remember a time I wasn’t on drugs, literally. I started taking prescribed drugs for my mental health at the age of 16. I had literally just turned 16, the year 6th form started for me. I can of course remember my childhood and it was a very happy one, I had/have loving parents who did all they could for us and still do (thank you). Before I started taking drugs for my mental health all I remember was frustration, confusion and loneliness, in terms of negative emotions. I had many happy times, I defo have a problem with my bladder because I cry from laughing so much that I have to sit on the floor and physically hold it in (funny but embarrassing). Oh the amount of times I have wet myself from crying hahaha, I have never wet myself out of fear, thank god ( I don’t believe in god, so I don’t why I still insist on thanking him).
Recently I have had a racing heart, but felt calm in my mind. This was very alarming for me. I never had that feeling. I lived with it for 24 hours to see if it would go away. It didn’t but I was distracted by things (work, conversations, writing etc), so I didn’t notice the pain as much. I just got off the phone with a dear friend and was getting ready to watch new luther, when I really noticed the pain again. I called 111, they asked me a series of questions and she asked me if it was severe? I said I’m not sure, she said is it a tight band around your chest? I said yes. She asked me a series of other questions and the answer was mainly no. She decided to call and ambulance and I said I don’t think I need one. She then asked more questions and informed me she transferred it to 999.
I was like shit ok, I’ll go downstairs and tell my mum and start watching luther. They arrived maybe 20 minutes later, amazing. They were lovely! They ran all the tests they needed to and the only alarming physical things they found wrong with me was a high heart rate and ever so slightly high temperature. They thought maybe a viral infection but my lungs were fine and I was breathing ok. They rang an out of hours doctor to get more advise and the paramedics did all this for me, they listened to what the out of hours doctor said and told me what she said. Because I was calm in my mind I actually listened and I was concerned but not scared. They asked me if I wanted to go to A&E and I said no. The doctor said she wasn’t overly concerned so I thought I’d rather sleep in my own bed then a hospital one.
Whilst the paramedics were at my house they got a call *someone unconscious….*. I thought crikey, I’m not unconscious, couldn’t help but think I was wasting their time. I wasn’t because help was needed, but I needed help from an out of hours psychiatrist not paramedics. We actually had quite a nice time. Watched Forest Gump and the they had some coffee, whilst waiting for call backs. I felt very calm throughout the process, strangely.
Luckily I had booked a doctors appointment during that 24 hours I lived with it. They asked me “next friday ok” and I was like is there not anything sooner. They told me yes actually this Friday, brilliant I took it. I went to that doctors appointment and he gave me something to lower my heart rate and advised me to book in an ECG the following week.
I got out of the doctors appointment and booked the ECG but forgot to check if the prescription was ready. So I walked home and realised when I sat down. DUH, so I had dinner and went back and got them. It wasn’t easy, but made easier by being offered a lift (amazing, thank you). I put my headphones on when I got home and I started writing this. It’s only 20:23 but feels like it should be 3am. I’m going to log off now.
Christmas and new year is a time for love, happiness, giving and indulgence. This Christmas and new year, I felt far from happy and the overwhelming pressure to ‘drink and be merry’ was not something I had the energy for.
The last month and a half of 2018 was a real shit time (pardon my french), the grey cloud of depression followed me almost everywhere I went and life was pretty bleak. Then one final thing happened and it paralysed me in state of deep sadness for several days. I felt so alone, like I had no one, that my friends didn’t care (even though they are the best), that my family couldn’t help and that my depression would always be there, lurking at the back of my mind, waiting to pounce. My future seemed almost non existent.
I’m so lucky to have people in my life that love me unconditionally and I’m lucky for all the people who have loved me in the past and helped me get through tough times. The last few days I’ve realised we are only as lonely as we allow ourselves to be. If we open ourselves up to all the pain and share our thoughts and fears with others, loved ones and yes sometime even strangers on the internet, we start to heal. I used to and still do sometimes try and suppress bad thoughts and emotions, but most of the time I think we need to accept them and let them run their course; otherwise nothing will change and the pain will be ready to bite you in the arse (or mind) when you least expect it. I’ve learnt that crying is ok and though it may feel worse whilst the tears are falling, it’s necessary.
Though the saying ‘we are only as lonely as we allow ourselves to be’ isn’t always accurate. If you’ve suffered from depression then you know what it’s like. Depression is an illness and my mind at the darkest times won’t allow me to see that, my depression will want me to feel alone and want me to stay in bed watching Netflix instead of socialising with my friends or family. My depression will make myself think that the thoughts I think are authentic to my true self; to the healthy, normal me.
As corny and cliche as it sounds, love can get you through anything. The love and support my family and friends give me has definitely helped me to get through the lowest of times. It really is the little things that mean the most, whether its flowers delivered to your door, a text to say you’re thought of or a phone call; love conquers all. To all people who have loved me when I haven’t, I love you too, the feeling is mutual after all.
This is silly and I know it is because depression and bipolar are very similar. I would never have been diagnosed with Bipolar if I’d never experienced the depression. This September will mark the 10 year anniversary of me seeking professional help and whilst I don’t want to celebrate it, it does make me proud to look back and know I got through it and still am.
Here are some facts and statistics to help give you some understanding according to the Mental Health Foundation and Mind:
Bipolar is the fourth most-common mental health problem worldwide after depression, anxiety and schizophrenia
In 2013, there were almost 4 million cases of mood disorders, including bipolar disorder, in the UK.
In 2014, younger people were more likely to have bipolar than older people – 3.4% of 16-24 year olds screened positive but only 0.4% of 65-74 year olds screened positive.
There are three types of bipolar: Type I, Type II and Cyclothymia.
Now statistics are very insightful, but unless you know someone who has it or have it yourself then do you really care to educate yourself about it? Probably not, which is sad but true. I didn’t know much about Parkinson’s Disease until I watch ‘Love and Other Drugs’ (great film). I didn’t know much about other mental illnesses other than anxiety, depression and bipolar, until I started to read about them online.
Last year I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. It hasn’t been an easy ride to get to this point, it’s taken eight years. After several referrals to NHS mental health services (CAMHS, being the first) made the decision to go private. CAMHS stands for Child and Adolescent Mental Health services FYI. It cost me £250, but was worth it as it confirmed all my doubts and answered all my questions. I was too exhausted and didn’t have any faith in the services provided on the NHS. Not because they’re not capable, but because the psychiatrists are stretched to their limits. I couldn’t wait any longer, when my mental health started affecting what jobs I could keep, I drew the line under procrastinating putting my health first. You have to chase the services if you need them, a missed call can mean weeks of calling back to then find you have a letter to say your resignation will be terminated within 14 days from the first attempt of contact.
Some more facts for you… The symptoms of Bipolar:
Depression
During a period of depression, your symptoms may include:
feeling sad, hopeless or irritable most of the time
lacking energy
difficulty concentrating and remembering things
loss of interest in everyday activities
feelings of emptiness or worthlessness
feelings of guilt and despair
feeling pessimistic about everything
self-doubt
being delusional, having hallucinations and disturbed or illogical thinking
lack of appetite
difficulty sleeping
waking up early
suicidal thoughts
Mania
The manic phase of bipolar disorder may include:
feeling very happy, elated or overjoyed
talking very quickly
feeling full of energy
feeling self-important
feeling full of great new ideas and having important plans
being easily distracted
being easily irritated or agitated
being delusional, having hallucinations and disturbed or illogical thinking
not feeling like sleeping
not eating
doing things that often have disastrous consequences – such as spending large sums of money on expensive and sometimes unaffordable items
making decisions or saying things that are out of character and that others see as being risky or harmful
The word bipolar has negative connotations as it’s so often used in every day language to describe a drastic change in the something. “oh the weather is so bipolar today”. “Don’t’ go near Linda today Felix, she’s on a mood swing again, she’s on her period or something”. YAWWWWWN. Whilst it’s so easy to be so ignorant to these phrases, ( I hold my hands up, I’ve definitely called the weather Depressing before, because it IS sometimes) it’s also incredibly important that we are aware of how damaging they can be to a person. I can tell you from experience that bipolar is not a drastic change in mood that you flip out one minute and cry the next. It’s f****** difficult. It’s weeks, months, years for some, of feeling like you can’t live any longer, constantly battling with your thoughts that only you can see and hear.
In my experience after a low, I am at risk of going into a period of Mania. The psychiatrist described bipolar as being on a spectrum, at the top you have type I, which is more serious as people are more likely to experience psychosis and the mania can last longer than a few weeks. Then on the other end you have type II, which is less severe but people still experience ‘Mania’, which described as hypo-manic period which can last 1- 2 weeks in some cases. Bipolar used to be called manic depression which I think it’s easier to understand like that personally. People can only experience one or two hypo-manic episodes in their lifetime and still be diagnosed with Bipolar; though it really varies on the individual. The change can be sudden from depression to Mania but I can feel the warning signs in my head, I learn about myself and about bipolar every time I struggle with these issues. So I can see why people get confused.
The problems not just phrases, its memes too. I know everyone’s getting offended these days over minor things but mental health is never a minor thing. Health full stop! A health issue of any kind shouldn’t be laughed at. For example, I saw the below picture with some tagline on it like ‘When you realise you don’t get paid for another 6 weeks’. I can see how it could be funny but at the time I genuinely couldn’t imagine that pay day happening, I was just taking things day by day and to see people who support me and also preach about ending mental health stigma post something so reckless just frustrated me.
‘Insert s*** joke here’
It’s people lack of understanding and lack of experience that makes the world so harsh sometimes. Opening up about my Bipolar took me years and I’m still not open about it with employers because of the way I’ve been treated in the past, the very few times I’ve had the courage to be honest it didn’t help. I finally told my current job that I’ve been feeling Depressed for the last month and half, they’ve been lovely, they reacted how I hoped and knew they would, but I did not mention the word Bipolar. Even though I’m getting my head around it and understanding more about my complex brain, the very condition scares me, not because I’m scared of it but because I’m terrified of it being treated as who I am and not something I have to deal with and live with.
While having a diagnosis made me more at peace with it, in the sense it gives me more rights, it didn’t make me question who I was and am. I know that I feel ‘normal’ more than I suffer with it. The periods when I feel ok are greater than the periods I’ve ever felt low and mania is over in two weeks for me, even though it feels a lot longer.
Mindful Ness 