Mindful Ness

10th August 2015

Reporting from the night train from Split to Budapest:

Split has been amazing and terribly shit. I’ll start with the bad…. The trauma was yesterday. We had nearly 1 hours sleep and we had to change hostels, not to mention we did this with the WORST hangover of my life (big mistake, HUGE). We started the day by me shouting at Jocasta to get up and our first proper argument. Our plan was to go to Krka National Park, we had pre-booked our ticket and everything.

So we got on the on the bus I came on my period, really heavy, no tampons or pads! Horrible. So the first stop, ran for the loo and the bus went off, I had nothing with me. Luckily came back within a few mins. Turns out that was our stop and we ended up going all the way to Zarda. 5 HOURS up the bloody country. The next us to Krka National Park was 18:00. So we got some pizza and chips and got the bus back to Split. When we got back to Split I walked into these toilets thinking they were free. Boy was I wrong! Some Croatian guy started screaming at me , god knows what he was saying. I swear he nearly hit me, I bet he’s the type of guy who beats up his wife. 5 Kuna for a piss is an outrage. Especially when you can an espresso for 6 Kuna down the road and pee multiple times. I was angry and a little scared. There was light at the end of the tunnel, our hostel was amazing! Private room, kings sized bed, balcony equipped with washing line and fan. I did not want to leave. So yeah terrible day. I was so ill. Awful period pains, awful hangover, awful heat.

So onto the great and memorable! The first two days we stayed in a small Croatian town outside of Split called Kastel Luksic. We had an Air BNB for £9 a night, with the cutest back garden, I did not want to leave there either. I fell in love with the town and sea. The 38 degree heat was unbearable but we were a 3 min walk to the beach! The last night there was a fish festival! The main part where the fish was sold was full of families and elderly people and lovely music and then you walked 2 mins down the road and there was this rock band playing on the beach and 12-25 year olds drinking and maybe doing drugs., though we couldn’t smell any. I got mussels for 10 Kuna, like £1! and the man always gave me a free portion and Jocasta vegi so I ended up having four cups to myself! Big cups and it came with bread too 🙂

The best time in the center of Split was Saturday night! We went to this restaurant for two beers and ended up sitting with a group of middle aged Dutch men, they brought us Tequila, Wine, Espressos, you name it. They were crazy, we started walking to a bar and there was this random stage. We did the Dirty Dancing lift, me and 8 Dutch men. Yes it took 8 of them to do it lol. Jocasta sung and laughed. She also kissed two later on in the night lol.
So we got to this fun open air bar bar and the craziest thing happened, we bumped into Marcus and Tom from Krakow. I only really knew Marcus…. So after it closed around 1 I think, Jocasta, Marcus, Rob the Knob and I stunk onto a Yacht. It was a gay cruise, it was so much fun!

Our next aim was to sneak into this music festival by the ocean. We succeeded, though we got a little distracted…. On the way there was the biggest giant inflatable assault course in the middle of our swimming route. We would have been mad not to try it out. We ended up trying it out for 40 mins. We all face planted a few times, and my boobs came out a lot (accident), stupid bandau. There was this really shit, probably French guy, on it too. He stuck his down my throat and I pushed of the tallest bit into the sea LOL! I was making my way to the highest point and he kept trying to pull me down, I pushed him off again. He was so arrogant, he was shocked that I wouldn’t kiss him. What a dick.
Anyway we finally made it to festival we got there for the last song LOL. Which was a great song tbf. Tom O’Dell another love. A remix but still great. We then befriended a Croatian, and went for a coffee equipped with Duplo but got kicked out so we sat in a park and climbed the frame. We realised Jo lost her bank card. TRAGIC. The next stop was the station for power and wifi. I fell down some steps on the way hahahah, classic. Right on my arse and elbow. I was fin after 2 mins. So after a quick espresso and call to HSBC, we got the bus back to our hostel we paid for but never stayed in. Slept for an hour and then the terrible day .
Today, well yesterday was grand. My period pains lessened and hangover was gone. We had a beach day with Marcus and Tom. They are both really sound guys, we also cliff jumped 🙂

Anyway arriving in Budapest soon 🙂 Sanchia come at me mate, I’ve missed you! SZIGET TOMORROW!
Ciao x

Back in autumn 2019 I experienced what I can only describe as a complete mental shutdown. I broke, in every sense of the word. My mental health deteriorates when I suffer from Insomnia. I was awake for 5 days straight, that’s 120 hours. I don’t know why my brain decides to do this, but I just can’t shut down mentally and physically. I still have energy, yet still have moments of complete calm.

I was still working at the time and I remember experiencing a racing heart/ tight chest all day, I got home and it got worse…. so I called 111 and they sent an ambulance. The Paramedics arrived and they did an ECG, I had a heart rate of 120 bpm. The strange thing was my mind was so calm and still. They suggested I might have a chest infection but I had no other symptoms to suggest this. They suggested I was taken to the hospital, but I declined, which was ok. They ended up calling an out of hours doctor who suggested taking paracetamol every 4 hours. Whilst we waited for more advice we watched Forrest Gump and had a good old cuppa.

That night I didn’t sleep again and the following evening at 2am I was feeling very strange and afraid of trying to sleep. My dad took to me to A&E: we were there for 15 hours. In this time I smoked about 50 fags, drunk lots of water and juice, spoke to many different professionals, nurses, doctors, psychiatrists, had my amazing sister with me and my incredible mum. I finally was given a bed/ room and they gave me a very low dose of Ramipril which I knew wouldn’t do anything and guess what it didn’t. By 9am I saw different physiatrists which were very helpful. I was eventually allowed home and I had the emergency mental health team visit my house every day for a week or two. All very helpful- mostly.

I was prescribed a heavy tranquilliser, the max dose 600mg. Well that evening I accidentally took 900mg as I didn’t realise/ remember that each pill was 300mg. That night I had the most horrific, realist dream I’ve ever experienced. I vaguely remember my dad speaking to me as he was on the phone to 999. Long story short, I would be fine as long as my body didn’t lock out. When the mental health team visited me after I’d woken up, they were aware it wasn’t intentional, and much to my families confusion, discharged me from the emergency mental health team.

After a few weeks I was out of the woods and back to feeling human, though during this period I pushed away many of my close friends. For the next few months I surrounded myself with family and was embraced by their love and care. My family is everything to me and I couldn’t have done any of it without them. Fast forward a year and the nation and world was engulfed by Covid, which though a shit time for many, it put a lot into perspective for me and allowed me time to rest and restore from all the trauma of the previous months. It wasn’t fun being unemployed for almost 7 months, but I definitely found my center through the first lockdown/ summer.

We are now in March of 2021 and life is back on track, for me anyway. Life is never simple and healing is not linear but you can find beauty in the most unexpected places. With pain comes A LOT of growth and grounding. Always remember things do get better and though I can’t promise there won’t be hard times ahead, because there will. What I can promise is that the sun will shine again and with Spring comes more light and warmth. Here comes the sun!!!

In the words of Emily Coxhead “I will not compare myself to a stranger on Instagram”. If you’re reading this and you can relate, then say it allowed to yourself ( it may feel silly) but repeating positive affirmations daily can help you believe the statement, as well as implement behavior to actually break negative thinking patterns.

January is an awkward and pressurising month to ‘get fit’ anyway as people think ‘new year new me’. I’ve always worried about the way I look and I think most women can relate to this and men too. On the contrary, as you get older I feel you find yourself starting to care less and less about what other people think and more about how you feel about yourself; though your own securities about yourself will never go away, unless you address them. We are only human after all and self improvement is not linear, it never will be. Another catchphrase that marketing companies use to pressure people to lose weight is ‘summer bodies are made in the winter’,which is true to an extent but I’ve never found the statement helpful for me personally.

Personally, my ‘summer body’ is made in the spring. Who wants to go out for a run or cycle in the winter?! I certainly don’t, I would rather be in warmth and comfort of my own home. My soul comes alive again in the spring; it’s the little things, like flowers blooming and sun on your skin. I’ve never liked going to a gym personally. I would rather spend my money elsewhere and I don’t like being sweaty and gross looking in front of people, let alone strangers (and already fit people). The fact is I am writing this because clearly I do care about what I look like and probably always will!

Having said this, I have even found myself comparing myself to my friends and acquaintances, which is far more personal obviously. However not to their appearance but to the stage of life they are at, which makes me question what I’ve achieved and the different choices I have made. When I voiced my thoughts and doubts to a good friend, he said “don’t compare yourself to anyone, everyone has their own timeline”. The irony is I already know I shouldn’t do it… But that is just my thought pattern. It’s as simple and complex as that. I often find myself wishing I was a logical thinker and then often remind myself that there’s no point wishing something if that’s not the case.

My new year’s resolution this year is to exercise because it feels good (afterwards 😅). Eat a bit better (because I could never give up sugar) and eat better because it’s beneficial.

These current times are hard for everyone, but there’s no denying we have all overcome our own battles and considering the circumstances I think we’ve all done a bloody good job getting through it! I know it seems like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel sometimes, but coming from someone whose been stuck in that tunnel at certain times (way before covid existed) there is always always hope for better days to come! So embrace your lockdown cravings, don’t beat yourself up for getting a takeaway from the local chicken shop and try and try to see that you are beautiful regardless of the extra pounds gained. Life’s too short to be anything but happy with yourself and within ❤️

Yesterday, the 25th October, we protested. When my friend Charlie invited me along, I asked what we were protesting for, sheOh o said “anything at this point”, so naturally I accepted. I made a sign which said ‘every disaster movie starts with government ignoring scientists’. On the other side it said “we pay for your food and booze and you can’t feed Hungry children’.

I arrived in London and head straight to Hyde Park, I was a little late so I ended up boris biking it to find my companions on Oxford Street. We eventually found the rest of the procession and joined in March. There were several different protests going on, BLM, Ending SARS, but the largest was the Corona Virus protest. The one we set out to fight (peacefully) on this occasion. The protest must have been made up of 50,000 like minded individuals. To say the atmosphere was electric is an understatement.

Now before I continue, I want to make it very clear that I know covid 19 exists and that has devastated a lot of families and is a continuous threat. Despite this, the survival rate is 98/99% and as read in the newspaper the I,’the curve is going down. You also need to remember that though the cases are going up, less people are dying than the last lockdown.

I strongly believe that we need to listen to the scientists and the world health organisation. I believe in wearing masks for the more vulnerable, I believe in maintaining social distance when necessary. However one thing I can not get my head around is pregnant women having to go to scans alone, yet sitting in a crowded pub with five mates is fine. I’ve read too many posts from women having to find out that their unborn baby has no heartbeat and having to go threw that alone and then we relive the horror when they tell their partner. The government should have closed the borders long ago to tourists if covid 19 was such a huge threat.

The government have blood on their hands. Boris bloody Johnson missed numerous cobra meetings at the beginning of this pandemic, he hasn’t supported people with long term illnesses, and there has been many suicides as a result of being locked up for months in their own houses. The lockdown was necessary and was effective to a point. Though at the beginning of June/ July, he encouraged us to Eat Out to Help Out, was which was great for a while, but Rishi investing so much money for people with money to eat out cheaply is a very Tory approach. The government have just voted AGAINST free school meals for children over half term and Christmas, leaving thousands of families hungry and vulnerable. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.

Boris is now hanging out the younger generation to dry, after encouraging them to go out and socialise and don’t get me stared on the fact he has failed and trapped many university students. He also didn’t lift the 6 person rule for Eid, but is considering doing so for Christmas. It’s one rule for them and one rule for the rest. I won’t stand for this Tory bullshit any longer. The ironic thing is almost all of my Tory mates have been very quiet on social media as of late and I really hope this the eye opener they need to not vote in the bigots again. Especially my Tory friends with children.

The best part about the protest for our freedom and rights was being surrounded by a sea of like minded people. We raised each other up whilst peacefully shutting the government down. Piers Corbyn was also in the sea of people, he was brilliant, he was real inspiration, he was just one of us. The energy of the crowd was electric and music played and I got to dance my little moving feet. I can’t wait for the next one.

The generosity of the people was heart warming, free books were being gave out and at one point this homeless man had several people around him, giving him £20/£10; all I had to offer was a can of IPA and some fags. I can’t stress enough how important it is to stand up for what you believe in and go out there and be the change you want to see in the world.

I know who I am

But I don’t know what to do

I know where I want to be

but I find it difficuilt to see

The future is such a foregin land

I find it difficuilt to understand

How can you make someone see?

That all you are and all you want to be

Is something to hold onto

something to be cheerished

would’nt it be a shame if it all peerished?

I’m worthy of love

I’m worthy of someone that wants me

all of me.

I could give someone the world

I could be someones perfect girl

Though perfect doesn’t exist

I’m someone to be to missed

I deserve to be kissed

Like the whole word doesn’t exist

He’ll be sad when I’m gone

One day he’ll catch on

I won’t wait around

I’ll stand my ground

Because baby I’m the crown!

Where the hell do I even start!!!

Reasons Boris Johnson is a c*** (but not limited too):

a) He has no idea what hes bloody doing

b) He’s a Tory

c) He has double standards. One rule for them and one rule for us

d) He cares more about the economy than public health and basic human rights

e) He has bent the 6 person rule for Christmas but didn’t for Eid

f) He has supported and funded bombing innocent civilians

g) HE’S A RACIST

h) He shakes peoples hands during the middle of a pandemic ( hospitalised people too)

i) He’s sexist

j) He missed numerous Cobra meetings

k) He hasn’t funded the NHS and doesn’t give a shit about it.

I could go on…. Whilst I agree in slowing down the spread of Covid 19, there are logical ways to go about. The rule of six should be effective and is certainly better than another lock down. However closing pubs at 10:00pm will just encourage people to have house parties, which is a none controlled environment; not to mention the impact it will have on the hospitality industry. He’s encouraged us to go out, eat out, get back to the office, get kids back to school, but will soon blame the public for another outbreak. How he has the time to go to a Christening in Italy whilst running the country during a global pandemic is beyond me.

Reasons to like Boris:

a) He’s made it illegal to not day drink

Long story short, Boris is a fucking twat.

So I can’t remember the last time I wrote like this and the last time I opened up my WordPress app. I suppose I am feeling, inspired, content and ready to return to the magical land of writing.

I’ve been spending a lot of my time recently at a venue called Arch 1. In the middle of West Ham and Canning Town. It is a community hub, much like a country pub is, but tucked away in a quiet neighborhood in East London. I’ve met various people over the course of a few weekends there and I’m yet to meet a person I didn’t like or greet in someway; I think I probably never will.

The people I’ve met are of all different ages, races, locals and the not so locals. I met a women probably in her fifties. Yesterday she came in around 5pm to get some chicken from the great Pablos. I was sitting sobbing in the corner of the garden, hard, obtrusive, loud sobs. She smiled at me and I just held up my book (A Little Life, which everyone should read and is the best book I’ve ever read) and we got chatting about literature and the undeniable feelings a good book gives you. Then she asked if I ever considered doing a writing course and I said, no, never. She was surprised and I realise I was stupid for not ever thinking of it. Her name was Truce and she was like a shining beacon of inspiration and also such obvious logic. Thank you Truce for your honest, candid conversation.

The hours past and suddenly a Brazilian women called Ana, who walked past earlier, came in and sat on the table next to mine. Three hours later we were chatting endlessly about life and the struggles, pressures and dead ends everyday life brings, but also of our mutual craziness, inibillity to plan, being free and doing the stuff we love. We spoke about our sisters and discovered we both shared a similar sister, one that lives far away, we cried together over missing them. We are now friends and I’m invited around anytime I’m at Arch 1, if I want to go round and cook together, and even of going to Brazil and holidaying in her beach house.

Everytime I go to Arch 1, I meet another person I would like to see again, and inevitably I will. I see returning faces, hear new music and the old. It’s a place of possibility, sometimes wild crazy nights and sometimes peaceful days, chilled days which follow the energetic, lively ones. The conversations are never dull or mundane, the music and company never, ever, bad.

I looking forward to try and maintain my writing and carry on writing the book and that will probably take me whole live to put together.

See you soon x

Wow,

Never guess where I am

No don’t guess (at a FRIENDS)

That will cause more worry
For others, more stress

And help I’m done with feeling depressed

If I carry all this stress, anxiety and built up emotion (ofmyownandothers), than I’ll probably compress

Don’t you see my dear family, I’m not the same 18/20/ 24 year old

I’m not a child, as you keep telling me when I run out of money. When you call me a child that cuts deep

Deeper than the therapy I said someone we hold dear needed . I miss you . The way we once were when we’d laugh at the cat. I love the new and improved you too, I’m just still trying to figure out which you is true. There is no true you and I know that now, as we keep practicing and saying, the only thing that matters IS the now.

Just so you can get an insight into my life and the drugs I’ve been putting in my body the last 10 years of my life.

Some drugs lower your dopamine which affects your ability to emphasis and compromise.

SUI (serotonin, uptake inhibitors) increase your serotonin (the happy pill). Depending on the dosage you can feel pretty happy pretty quickly. Especially if the drug isn’t used to being in your system. Hence the nightmare night I had to bail on you back in November sometime when I started them. I’ve had that high from MDMA before but never prescribed medication. I didn’t enjoy the feeling.

What I need sometimes is privacy, I understand you’re worried and rightly so. To be honest at the moment I’m just exhausted.

So please I know you’re trying to help and I know you so truly care

But please sometimes I need to know you’re not (physically) there.

Because when it’s comes down to it, of course you’re always there.

Even when it’s not financially viable

And that’s how I know you’re reliable

and truly TRULY care

I love you