Mindful Ness

Our flight out was delayed made worse by a school trip of teenage Spanish students boarding the same plane. Waiting in the queue and then getting to the front to be told you pushed in and need to rejoin the now 136 people queue. I did not stand for this obviously and a young English boy at the front of the queue didn’t either. He said we are all getting on the same plane and I said exactly he then shouted at me and I said why are you shouting at me, I’m a stranger and he said everyone was annoying him that day, which I understood. We then joined the queue and spotted the lady who was behind us so we slipped on in.

The plane journey was one of my favourite flying high times. My favourite author (who I watched speak in shoreditch town hall just a week prior) was sitting in front of us. Strangely I recognised his daughter and looked to the left and there was his wife and then in the aisle, MATT HAIG.

We chatted, we chatted more on the shuttle bus and it was lovely. I didnt have to meet him to learn what an amazing individual he is. His book saved me and his other books are half read and waiting to be read. The truth pixie is brilliant and I advise any person, whatever age to invest in a copy. So far I have brought three. Originally for my nephew and then I gave that to a friend in hospital who I hadn’t seen for two years. I then brought one for myself and read it for the first time at 5am with some friends and that was not the end. Also REASONS TO STAY ALIVE.

We’ve spent our days have coffee in the sun and later tapas and wine and beer and burgers and sun and beach and hidden alleyways and the best pasta place I think I know off. Aside from my homemade carbonara. I’ve had two nights out of the four staying in or having a nice meal and the other 2 nights drinking, making friends, and first kisses and stumbling around or dancing in the street, making memories that will cause no enemies. Making street art and encouraging it. Enjoying it and meeting new faces. A lovely person, a 26 Pakistani man made friends with me on the beach, trying to sell his cloths. We spoke for an hour as I half read and half listen and spoke with him. He said I love it here but 40% of the time I’m alone and this makes me scared and so very sad. We exchanged what’s apps and he said his soul was lifted by meeting me and I agreed. We are no friends and I have seen him agin in the beach my last day. I will meet with him to hug him goodbye, though it’s not a bye but a welcome good.

I should also mention Kelly and his amazing Airbnb. If you go to Barca you must stay here if you can. Pictures to follow. He’s a New Zealand kiwi who has lived here for 15 years. He’s chilled out, he want you to have a comfortable stay and he’ll demonstrate this as soon as you shake hands with him. He left me the key to the rooftop and I’m one of the select few to have this luxury and I’m so extremely grateful for this.

The best thing about Barcelona is the people, the sunshine, the good food on tap, tapas yamas delicious, excellent cheap alcohol. Hola amigo, I’ll be seeing you again. For the third and final long length of time I wish to experience

I watched one of my favourite films recently, it’s called ‘Like Crazy’, if you haven’t seen it you should watch it. It’s about a long distance relationship and it’s one of the most beautiful and brilliantly directed films ever. It got me thinking about the agony we put ourselves through when you miss someone. Missing someone is one of the worst feelings you can experience, in my opinion.

Missing someone can be a nice feeling though, like when you’re travelling and you miss your loved ones at home; though the thought that you’re going to see them again is always a comforting thought, a companion for your homesickness.

But missing someone and not knowing when or if you’re going to see them fucking sucks. You almost feel like it’s pointless missing them because you’re never going to have that person back. Nostalgia is a wonderful and comforting thing and when you can look back on the good times and miss that person and smile, you realise it’s not pointless at all.

If you’ve missed something or someone then you’re lucky. You’re lucky you had something worth missing. You may not have that something or someone now but you can know that you felt complete euphoria and content-ness and those feelings can be felt again; and the feelings you shared with that person were real, you’ll always share that bond and even as time passes and you grow apart and move on, you’ll always miss that time and place.

In the film, one of the main characters (Felicity Jones) is studying in America and she writes the below poem:

I thought I understood it
That I could grasp it
But I didn’t
Not really
I knew the smudgeness of it
The pink-slippered-all-containered-semi-precious eagerness of it
I didn’t realize it would sometimes be more than whole
The wholeness was a rather luxurious idea
Because its the halves that halve you in half
Didn’t know
Don’t know about the in between bits
The gore-y bits of you
And gore-y bits of me

Like crazy

The thing is we are mammals, we have always needed meat (protein) to thrive, strive. We were cavemen once and unfortunately some people are still cannibals.

If you’re a vegetarian, then good for you. You’ve found the diet that’s right for you. If you’re vegan, then good for you too but I don’t understand how you can live without cheese and eggs because they are delicious.

People need to stick to the diets they like and stop trying to change the way other people choose to eat. My favourite meat is lamb but I look at a lamb and think how could I eat you. Then I eat it and I understand why. It’s the circle of life and we need to carry it on and it will even, if we don’t anyway.

Dinosaurs are amazing, some were herbivores and let’s face it, the long necks are our favourite ones; but there were also T-Rex’s, which we were all terrified off but when you think about how tiny their arms are, they are pretty funny and not that predatory. People like eating leaves and some people don’t. I’m a meat eater and still love eating leaves. A fresh basil plant is my favourite.

I’d be a veggie but only for the reason of saving the planet. But then I’d never do that because the planet is gonna last a long time, wether we’re in it or not.

Instagram, my favourite social media platform but also the most damaging I feel. Also one of the most popular.

This statistic gives information on the number of monthly active Instagram users as of June 2018. As of that month, the mainly mobile photo sharing network had reached 1 billion monthly active users, up from 800 million in September 2017. The app is one of the most popular social networks worldwide. According to the below findings.

https://www.statista.com/statistics/253577/number-of-monthly-active-instagram-users/

I love pictures, so for me Instagram is the easiest for pointless scrolling. I like catching up on peoples snaps from the weekend, I love gawking at National Geographic pictures and finding new travel inspiration. However it took me a long time to stop following the accounts that depressed me. You know the accounts, the ones that shrink your self-esteem and make you feel like the only way to be desirable is to never touch a McDonald’s ever again. Then there’s the one’s that make me feel down right sick. @richkidslondon is one and any which the main focus is showing off how much money the have. If you hadn’t guessed already, I hate money.

The ideal life that Instagram perceives is of course very unrealistic and very unattainable. I set up a new account @mindful_ness4 to share all things mental health and general positivity/ coping mechanisms for every day life. A stigma fighting account, aimed to raise awareness about mental health problems. It’s helped me massively and I’m glad to say others who have followed me or know me. Although I use it a lot less than my personal account, it’s nice to have there, sitting on the sidelines for when I feel I need to use it or just browse the likeminded people that I follow.

Instagram, like any social media is addictive and potentially dangerous. On my mindfulness account I’ve had ‘army’ accounts message me, asking me questions that can be very unsettling. So I went through a period of making the account private and then public again. I’m fully aware that sharing your own experiences with mental illness can make you vulnerable, but you also get the people who find you brave for speaking openly about it. I’ve never thought myself as brave, just aware and mindful. I instantly block or refuse messages from weird accounts and you can tell them a mile off. If they’ve got no original, personal posts, then the account is either a business, fraudsters, porn or something much worse.

So young girls, boys, teens, adults, be weary but don’t hold back at the same time. Have a private account. Delete the app at times you feel you’re using it too much and unfollow the accounts that make you feel crap. Instagram isn’t real life and there’s times you need to dance and enjoy the music, instead of getting that perfect story to show what a good time you’re having. You have a good time for no one but yourself and your loved ones.

There’s a far better life off the screen than they’ll ever be on!

The worst thing about having bipolar is the depression. Depression is such a paralysing, personality killing illness. You literally aren’t the same person when you’re struggling through a period of depression. Your hobbies and interests and social life suffers.

It feels like you’re in a deep hole and you can see the sunshine above you and if you’re in a fairly mild spout of depression, you know the sunshine is reachable again, you just don’t know how to pull yourself out of that hole. One of the things I find the hardest is seeing that sunshine and seeing all your loved ones experience it and whilst you want to be happy and enthusiastic for them, you can’t help but feel worse about yourself.

It’s like James Morrison’s song ‘Wonderful World’…..

I’ve been down so low people look at me and they know,
They can tell something is wrong
Like I don’t belong,
Well, staring through a window standing outside there just to happy to care
And I wanna be like them but I’ll mess it up again,
I tripped them out when God kicked outside everybody’s soul.And I know that it’s a wonderful world
But I can’t feel it right now,
I thought I was doing well but I just want to cry now,
Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea

And the worst part of the Mania is the insomnia. If you’ve experienced insomnia then you know what an absolute struggle it is. It’s frustrating, exhausting, tedious and the evilest foe. No one can function on zero hours sleep, and very few can function well on 3-4 hours sleep. Sleeplessness make’s you less like yourself, half a person, stumbling around frantically trying to act like a normal, respected human.

Still daily on Facebook, I always see the word ‘slag’ or ‘fat’ or ‘ugly’ and often they are used in the same sentence. They are often in the form of a joke, like the below meme, but this is still so frustrating. Body shaming, of any kind, is extremely damaging for the person on the receiving end of the punch line.

The word ugly is a disgusting word when used to describe someone and not something. If you throw the word ugly around, you’re probably ugly yourself; I don’t mean your looks, I mean you’re personality. I’ve definitely called someone ugly before in an argument, it didn’t feel good and didn’t make me feel any better, it just me feel guilty. I’m learning to walk away from the toxic people who having nothing better to do than throw insults around, as if they were actual bullets. Staying away from Facebook definitely helps and unfriending those annoying people that just share stupid content.

The saying ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me’ is true to a certain extent. Words do hurt, they hurt like a ton of bricks falling on your heart sometimes; the key thing to try and practice is learning to not let those bricks crush your heart for too long.

Self esteem and self confidence is one of the most important things to try and master throughout your life. Once you find that confidence and self esteem, your life gets better and your happiness stays for longer. My focus for this year is to be more selfish with my time and only give it to the people who give me the same about of time back.

I am a worrier, I worry about the smallest things sometimes. I even worry about people worrying about me. I know the worrying is pointless because it won’t make me feel any better but it’s impossible to block it out sometimes.

Though you need to worry a little, you need cry in front of loved ones, you need to show your emotions so your loved one know when to show you their love the most. If you don’t make sure you have people that know you better than you know yourself sometimes. If you have them you’re very lucky, as am I. But you get back what you give out, if you show courage, others might too.

But what to do when the worry is too much and you are mentally paralysed and can’t pick up the phone and simply ask a friend for help or a call (or find friends that will call you instantly when they hear your news). Send them a text if you can or let you doctor know. Tell someone, because 9 times out of 10 there is someone who will listen and think about you.

It’s also unhealthy for me for others to over-worry about me and ask me 1000 and one questions throughout the day. The same questions I’ve had from others. I understand why they do it, but unless you’ve seen me in person then just give me the benefit of the doubt.

Some useful links:

https://www.elefriends.org.uk/

https://www.rethink.org/about-us/our-mental-health-advice/crisis-contacts?gclid=Cj0KCQiApbzhBRDKARIsAIvZue8q6ATMwZmnbsXkr86PxuyVquEdY11ImuSNpR2Osc1SbciZ9-LOdJYaAimpEALw_wcB